If I had to choose one motto to live by, it would be “revenge through living well”. As a passive aggressive coward (with the tendency to be a petty bitch), I’ve really found that this is the best tactic to take. There’s nothing I love more than to crush my enemies, and nothing destroys your oponent more on the inside than watching you succeed.
When I am upset about something, I go through a few phases before ultimately resigning myself to a self-betterment project of some sort. It doesn’t matter what it is. If I’m upset about being poor, I cry and stomp my feet and whine about how I’ll never be able to afford anything EVER, before eventually making a budget and a clear plan to get out of debt. It always makes me feel better (regardless of if I actually stick to said plan or not). If someone makes me angry, I go through a short pouty, irrational stage where I blow things out of proportion and come up with a bunch of plans like a 4-year-old who is upset with her parents. My kneejerk reaction is always “FINE! I HATE YOU! I’M RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME AND YOU’LL BE SORRY!” That can last up to an hour, until I start thinking about how I can become less like the person who offended me, and how I can use my rage to make me a better person (or, more specifically, better than the person I hate). It’s still kind of evil and petty (I am pretty sure there’s poison in my veins instead of blood), but something positive does come of it, and I generally forget about what I was angry about along the way. It’s a pretty good system.
Which brings me to my new year’s resolution. One of them, anyway. Today I found out that a friend of mine is talking about me behind my back. It was a serious blow. I feel a bit like my guts have been ripped out. It was really hurtful and I want to bring it up with my “friend”, but the person who told me about the rumour wants their identity kept secret, and there’s no way I can directly address my offender without giving my other friend away. Stupid politics. I am just going to have to be more careful about what I say in front of this one person.
The whole evening, I’ve been saying stuff like “if they had told me that they had a problem with me, we could have talked about it!” But that makes me feel bad, because how many times have I aired my beefs to someone other than the person I have the beef with? How many times have I been on the opposite side of the fence? It’s pretty hypocritical of me, the passive aggressive coward, to be all up in someone else’s face about saying nasty things behind people’s backs. So no more. My resolution (not even a new year’s resolution. my right now resolution!) is to stop doing that. Whether it’s my family or Britney Spears, I don’t want to say anything behind someone’s back that I haven’t already said to their face. I have no right to bitch about anything until I’ve heard both sides of the story. I don’t want to make anyone (intentionally or unintentionally) feel as crappy as I feel right now.