I Am Getting A Puppy!

I am not an animal lover. In fact, I have a general rule against anything that won’t eventually learn to flush a toilet. Pets are dirty, smelly, hairballs of annoying activity and all they do is run about the house eating and shitting.

Haha. That whole last paragraph sounded like a description of myself. Ehh….

Anyway, the point is, I don’t like animals. Also, I am allergic. Sometimes I PRETEND that I don’t hate animals because most people equate pet haters with the devil, but I don’t want to have to hide any longer. If hating cute furry things makes me the devil, well, . . . At least there are no pets in hell (I hope!).

To be honest, I don’t hate ALL animals. Just the ones I don’t own. I do kind of genuinely love my fiance’s cat, Buddy (who is curled up in my lap right now while I write about how much I hate his kitty brothers and sisters, the poor bastard). But I’ve been living with him for three years, and he gave me no choice. He makes me cuddle with him even when I don’t want to. Plus, all he wants to do is eat and sleep, so I feel like we have a lot in common.

Now, Chase KNOWS that I don’t like animals – especially dogs – but he’s been bringing up the idea of getting a puppy for years. I’ve been telling him when he gets me a house and a baby, I’ll give him a dog. I was good with that arrangement until he sent me a picture of a puggle the other night and said a dude at work is selling them. I don’t know if it’s the ticking of my biological clock, my whacked out hormones (Jeremy, remember that time we almost bought a cat because I was suffering from PMS?), or the unadulterated cuteness of that little puppy, but something inside me snapped and now… I want a dog, too. My only condition is that I never have to take it out to the bathroom or walk it or do any of the other boring, disgusting jobs associated with having a dog. I just want to play with it until it I break out into hives and my lungs close up and then I want to hand it off to Chase. The beauty part of this arrangement is that Chase is crazy enough to accept it and I am selfish enough to make him do all of the work.

So, we’re getting a puppy! Said puppy hasn’t even been born yet, though, so I have like, THREE WHOLE MONTHS until I can call him (or her) my own. I never thought I’d say this, but I CAN’T WAIT TO GET A DOG!! I’ve spent all week fantasizing about what it will be like to have one, completely blocking out the fact that puppies are a lot of work, and this one might very well be the end of me. The first thing I am going to do is teach it to fix me a stiff drink. And then I’ll make Chase teach it how to use the toilet.

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