I can never have just, like, a good day. In fact, the happier I am, the more miserable I am for it. This morning at work, for example, I was in a great mood. I said hello to everyone I knew, made some nice small talk, sent some long overdue e-mails to my team, and got a lot of work done. I was thinking “Wow! That went really well! I’m almost like a normal person today.” Sometimes I do that – I catch myself in a moment when I haven’t said anything stupid or awkward and people seem to genuinely like me, and I feel elated – like maybe I’m not always a colossal fuckup. Maybe I’m the only person who thinks I’m weird and out of place 100% of the time.
Ermm… Okay, this entry just got kind of pathetic. I’ll move it along. ANYWAY, so… Right. So sometimes I feel like that. And then, as the day wears on, I start reflecting on what I said and what I did, and I start thinking about how loud and obnoxious I was being during my period of elation. Did I say something I shouldn’t have? Did I seem rude? Did I seem full of myself? Am I being disruptive to my fellow employees? What if my boss is angry with me? Is my boss angry with me? Does she think I’m incompetent? Who put me in charge of a sales team, anyway? Clearly I’m too immature for adult life. I can’t do anything right…. On and on it goes, until I’m absolutely miserable.
You know that feeling you get in times of great embarrassment or guilt, where you lie and bed and wish you were in a hole that you could die in? I feel like that A LOT. For absolutely no reason, too. I KNOW no one is thinking negatively about me. I am always smiley and bubbley at work, and I doubt my co-workers thought anything of my behaviour today. But knowing that doesn’t change the fact that I want to crawl into a hole and die. Gah!!
The only thing that seems to help my social anxiety is writing about it. It all seems so silly when it’s in black and white. I have no idea why (especially considering how self-conscious I am), but total disclosure to potentially thousands of people (in reality, probably 3 people) is very cathartic. It makes everything seem less shameful and more . . . funny? I don’t know if that’s the right word for it (this entry wasn’t much of a laugh), but I guess it will do. “Tragically entertaining” might be better.