On Being A Bad Mom

Dexter has scared me off children forever. I’m a shitty pet owner – I can’t imagine what babies would be like. I knew that having a dog would be a lot of work, but when I agreed to get one, I thought someone ELSE would be taking care of his day-to-day needs and potty breaks. My job was supposed to be to love him and pet him every once in awhile, and my DH was supposed to clean up his poop and make sure he didn’t tear the apartment apart. Then, we got the dog; Chase got a job in another city and moved into a cockroach infested, half-renovated townhouse, and Dex stayed here with me.

Now I feel like my entire life is spent picking up poop, mopping up pee puddles, running up and down 7 flights of stairs to take the dog out, yelling “NO!” and “HEY!” every time he does something he’s not supposed to (which is every second of the day), doing laundry (I spend more time and money washing Dexter’s dog bed and blanket than I do on my own clothes), making sure he’s not eating the cat food, preventing him from humping me, getting up with him at least 3 times a night, and generally entertaining this dog. I can’t be away or make plans for the weekend. I can’t shower and leave him unattended without him chewing through at least one electrical cord, shoe, or pair of underwear (he’s taken to stealing my panties and hiding them in his doggy bed. Yesterday, I found FIVE PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR in his bed. I don’t even know where he got them, or when he had time to sneak them in without me detecting it! He’s like a puppy MacGyver!). He is a little beast. And I am a horrible, horrible mother.

He makes me so tired! And stressed! And there are times when I just let him do whatever he wants to do because it’s easier than yelling or hauling him outside or finding him something appropriate to chew on. Sometimes I let him run off with my panties if it means I get five minutes to myself. Tonight, he ate my watermelon and I couldn’t even muster up the energy to get mad. I just muttered “have at ‘er, fuckface” and prayed that fruit wouldn’t give him diarrhea because if it does, I will be the one who has to clean it up.

Then there are times (mostly when he’s sleeping) when I love him so much, I can’t help but hug him or cover him in kisses or spend a little extra time walking him or playing with him. Despite the fact that he’s absolutely insane and he never stops and I fantasize about drowning him in the bathtub… he’s an adorable little effer. I am clueless about animals and I complain a lot about taking care of him, but when it comes down to it, I guess Dexter is worth it. If I could go back in time, I would totally veto getting the dog but now that we have him, I could never give him away. I’m screwed.

Dexter

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