Things I Am Thinking About

I want to be Martha Stewart – all organized and crafty and neat and creative and successful and shit. Unfortunately, there is nothing funny about perfection, and, truthfully, I’d rather be Erma Bombeck aspiring to be Martha Stewart (which is kind of like saying I’m going to TRY to fail, but trust me, no trying necessary).
How cute my friend Julie is. She had a birthday party for her son this weekend and she went all out. She made cupcakes that looked like the Cookie Monster (the Cookie Monster eating a cookie! Cupcakes with a cookie stuck in a mountain of icing. I am weeping with joy just remembering them), Cookie Monster gift bags for the kids, takeaway bags filled with cookies for the adults, custom water bottle labels, decorations, cookie utensil holders, thank-you notes – the whole works. Totally adorable. I think she, along with my mom crush, Renee, who made Valentine’s Day gift bags for the kids in her daughter’s daycare, my friend, Daniel, who always thinks of cute party details and decorations, and my co-worker who runs her own business, are the inspiration for my reawakened desire to be like Martha.
I want to go back to school to become a midwife. Maybe that’s just the baby fever talking (my co-worker just had a baby girl this morning and I’ve been thinking about pregnancy and birth all day), but really, I think I’d love it. If I could get over my social awkwardness, tendency to panic during emergencies, and fear of accidentally killing someone in my care, I would be an absolutely FABULOUS midwife.
I want to see Jeremy because it has been FOREVER and also because I want to hear all about what it’s like to see Anthony Robbins live and in the flesh. Jeremy doesn’t put much stock in motivational speakers (Robbins in particular, I think), but Tony is to me as Jesus is to most Christians – I worship him above all others and I think his preaching rings true, even though I don’t usually follow his advice. Jeremy saw him as part of some work thing, and I am DYING of jealousy. I can’t wait to pump him for details.
I want to start making things and being creative again. I made a blanket for my sister’s unborn, un-conceived child (pictures to come in a future post), and it has inspired me to be more crafty. I might make a blanket for my co-worker’s new baby, put some stuff together for my shop, and craft up some small things for friends if my motivation doesn’t wear off.
I am thinking about doing a half-assed no carb diet starting on Friday, all because a co-worker lost a lot of weight doing that very same thing. I’ve already attempted several “diets” this month. I tried to do the Peeing Neon thing (which, if you don’t remember/haven’t read that far into the Morag and Me archives, is just when I add water and vitamins to my already crappy diet), but I gave up after a week when I didn’t see any difference whatsoever in my energy level, complexion or weight. I also tried to give up sugar for two weeks, but I only lasted 6 days (4 of which I cheated on) before I said “screw it” and binged on chocolate. I also toyed with the idea of calorie counting, which I did for about 4 hours before I got hungry and ate an entire box of cereal bars. I feel like a total hypocrite even writing about trying to lose weight because I hate skinny bitches who complain that they’re fat (not that I’m a skinny skinny bitch, but my BMI is within spec so I have no right to complain), but I gained almost 10 lbs in the past month or so and I’m starting to envision a future where I gain an additional 700 lbs, have a heart attack and have to have the army cut a hole in the side of my house so they can airlift me via helicopter (in like, one of those harness things they use to transport killer whales at Marine Land – just dangling by strings from the underside of the helicopter because I’m too huge to fit into the plane itself) to the hospital where a surly nurse gets her arm stuck under one of my fat, cheesy roles during an unfortunate sponge bath accident. At the rate I’m gaining weight, it could totally happen.
I am tired and I don’t feel like proof reading this SOB random ass entry, so there you go. I hope at least part of this made sense.


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