Stickin’ It To Rude People, Miranda-Style

I am probably the biggest pushover you will ever meet. I hate confrontation. I would rather be  miserable (not just miserable, but, like, fuuuucking miserable), than speak up when I think someone is being rude to me.  I am passive to the point of ridiculousness. For example, if I was at a restaurant, and I knew the waiter PURPOSELY put a pube in my food, I’d probably apologize for not eating it (“Oh, I’m so sorry. The food was delicious, but I’m just not very hungry tonight. I had a big snack before I came”). And then I’d leave a big tip.

Sometimes (most times), I am passive aggressive toward those who have offended me, but I am too much of a pussy for even that, so it looks like I’m just being naieve. Chase and I ordered pizza last night, and when I handed the delivery guy my card to put in his portable debit machine, he took it upon himself to select the 15% tip option. It’s not a big deal, I guess. I am sure drivers get ripped off all the time, and you can’t blame a guy for trying. Except, I kind of do blame him. It’s rude. It’s like saying “I know you’re cheap, and I expect you to be a douche.” I expressed my displeasure … by giving him a 15% tip. I would have given him double that because I am always an insane tipper (I have a weird guilt complex where I think people should be paid extra to deal with me), but I “stiffed him” for his impertinence. Take that, Delivery Man! There’s your 15%!

A few weeks ago, while I was waiting in a shopping centre to meet a friend of mine, a random old Italian lady, who smelled like she hadn’t bathed in years, DEMANDED I give her a dollar for a jar of spaghetti sauce and some pasta. I politely declined, and told her I didn’t need any groceries, but thanks for the offer. She would not take no for an answer, and she was downright hostile about it. After several rude and unsuccessful attempts to pawn this bag of food off on me (and me being too polite to tell her to eff off, but too terrified to buy a smelly bag of food from a crazy person), she told me she needed the money for subway fare. She said she had $2, and she just needed 1 more to buy a ticket. I figured she was lying because the lady was like, at least 70 years old (she could have passed for 90); the senior fare is only $2 (which she already admitted to having). I could have told her I didn’t have any money. I could have given her a dollar just to get her to leave me alone (I had at least 2 loonies in my stroller), but I was so mad, I gave her a $3 subway token instead. Try to buy some non-transit related items with that, you old witch! 

This is how I tell people to screw themselves, you guys – by being nice and giving them money. It’s a terrible strategy! I don’t recommend it.

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