Juuuuuuuuuuune Favourites! It’s been awhile since I’ve written one of these. Let me be your guide to (a bunch of crap you probably don’t care about on) The Internet.
7 Minutes in Heaven
My very favourite thing that happened this month was me finding out that one of my most loved, formerly abandoned, YouTube series’, 7 Minutes in Heaven, has been resurrected on another channel. Mike O’Brien is still adorable, and the show is still hilarious and awkward.
Why are Mukbang videos a thing now, and why can’t I stop watching the ones Trisha Paytas makes? I don’t know. I disgust myself. Anyway, Jenna Marbles’ ASMR Mukbang Unboxing Gaming Tutorial is my everything. This is the reason I’ve fallen in love with Jenna all over again.
Yoga with Lizzza
Apparently this Lizzza girl is really big on Snapchat or Vine or something, but I’m too old and set in my ways for those social media platforms, so I just subscribe to her stuff on YouTube. She’s awesome and hilarious and her content is ALMOST enough to make me check out her other accounts (if I wasn’t also lazy). Maybe it’s because I watched it at midnight (which, all parents know, is actually 4am for a mom), but her Yoga with Lizzza video made me laugh out loud. Too old for Snapchat, not too old to laugh at a million fart jokes… “Turn up the soothing music!!”
This is That Talk (Thought Leader)
I know about This is That because my husband is an old man who listens to CBC Radio all the time and sometimes I find myself actually enjoying it. Like, really, really enjoying it. They have some funny, creative people at the CBC. Pat Kelly gives an amazing presentation on Thought Leadership in the video below. Honestly, it is complete perfection.
Cas’ Horrifying Rumble Experience
I loooooooove Cas’ story about inadvertently bringing a group of homeless dudes to a fancy executive dinner because it is exactly the kind of situation I’d get myself into. I relate SO HARD. It’s weird to watch a video like this and go “oh my god, me too!” but that’s what happened.
Guess who got her license?! THIS GIRL!!!! I could say that this success was the result of the months of driving practice I put in, but I’m pretty sure it was the 2 hours I spent before the exam frantically googling St. Christopher and where I could purchase one of his pendants to hang on my rear view mirror, that sealed the deal for me. I fantasied about saying “It’s just you and me now, Chris” immediately before my exam, and him metaphorically hoisting me upon his shoulders while we rode our way to victory together, but instead I called my dad to ask him a few last minute questions about lane changes (because learning the rules of the road is very important before you get your license), and ol’ St. Chris took the backseat.
I thought the most humiliating thing I could do during my road test was fail, but I was so, so wrong. I mean, I did a couple of embarrassing things during the test, like I drove off without releasing my emergency brake (I’d like to blame nerves, but I really am just that forgetful). I parked on someone’s lawn (and I didn’t even realize I had until we were going over my test results). I let out a high pitched “reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally?!” when the instructor (do you call them instructors? Test Lady?) told me I passed (although, in my defence, I was pretty sure I failed and was just out-of–my-mind excited that I didn’t have to hide any tears or do the walk of shame back into the Ministry of Transportation). All of those examples are the kind of low grade embarrassing experiences I’m used to on a daily basis.
My real “Miranda Moment” came after I’d left the vehicle. Tester Lady, who was very nice (I was hoping for a kindly grandmother figure, but she was a firm but fair type), asked me if I went to the local public high school. Only, I was thinking about how happy I was not to have to tell people that I failed the test, and I missed the first part of her question. I thought she asked if I currently go to the high school (because it’s perfectly reasonable that someone would mistake my 35-year-old, mother-of-2, baby-boosters-in-the-rear-seat-of-my-car, broke ass for a 16 year old, right?!), so I replied, almost condescendingly (because I’m a dick, apparently), “I went to St. Joe’s, but I’m much, much too old for high school.” Tester Lady was like “uh… yeah. I know. My daughter is your age and I was just wondering if you knew her.” I realized then that my G1 license had been attached to her clipboard THE ENTIRE TIME, and OF COURSE she knew how old I was. Mortified, guys. I was mortified.
And then I had another Miranda Moment when I got home. I thought, rather than call my parents and tell them I’d passed the driving test (my dad spent an entire afternoon teaching me to parallel park 2 days before the exam), I’d show up at their house and tell them in person. So I drove, by myself (!), to their place. I was so proud of myself for not getting into an accident on the way, I got all cocky and thought “I’m going to parallel park behind dad’s car right now!” Welllllllllllllllllllllllll, I hit the curb during my attempt. I don’t know why, but I always get stuck trying to straighten out when I’ve hit the sidewalk; I have a mental block when it comes to anything related to how my wheels are turned, particularly in reverse. I’m just a total mess. Normally, my being stuck wouldn’t be a problem because my parents live on a really quiet street and I have a lot of space – and privacy! – to do my thing, except today, for some reason, (payback for poking fun at Jesus all the time?), SOMEONE PULLED UP BEHIND ME. Not just like, behind me, but RIGHT behind me. He obviously thought I was a competent driver and expected me to straighten my car out like a normal person with the adequate amount of space he left for me. Instead, I looked him up and down – because who parks on that street, anyway? – and then pulled out of my parking space, narrowly missing my father’s car. THEN, I thought, “maybe my car is small enough to fit in the driveway behind my mom’s vehicle.” I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that it didn’t. It was while I was backing out of my parents’ driveway when I noticed that the dude who was in the car behind me was WALKING UP TO MY PARENT’S DOOR.
Instead of just cutting and running, like I should have done, I parked down the street in front of the neighbour’s car (waaaay in front of it). I didn’t parallel park this time, BUT I did take two actual literal minutes to straighten out and make sure I was close enough to the curb (WHY DID THEY GIVE ME A LICENSE?!). Let me tell you, two minutes is an eternity when someone is watching you in silent judgement while you are all too aware that your life has become a real life episode of Mr. Bean.
When I finally got up to the house, I immediately started laughing nervously and telling this stranger about what a terrible driver I am. The guy turned to me and said “that was you?!” Not, like, joking or anything. It was worse than when I assumed I could pull off a sweet 16 with the Drive Test lady. Thankfully, I didn’t have a lot of time to process because the stranger and my dad were headed out and I didn’t have to face him for long. I was left to stew in my shame in private. Thank God for small miracles.
And, to wrap this up, thank St. Christopher for my license! We did it, Chrissy! I mean, we probably shouldn’t have, but WE DID IT!!
My co-worker is talking about selling all of her worldly possessions and travelling around North American in a camper, and I’m over here like “WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!”
What AM I doing with my life? I think it’s pretty obvious I’ve been in a bad place for awhile, but, I mean, I’m a fairly productive adult. I show up to work every day at a job I mostly enjoy. I have two beautiful, healthy children and a husband type guy who is loving and encouraging. I couldn’t ask for better friends and family… And let’s not forget the fact that I’m a white, middle class woman in a first world country where I have the luxury of being sad just because I’m bored.
BUT. But my life, while admittedly pretty effin’ awesome, is at a standstill. I don’t grow or meet any of my goals. I don’t really DO anything, to be honest. I work to eat and clothe my children, and when I’m done doing all of my admin and mommy jobs, I’m too tired to do much else. I have absolutely nothing to show for the 40 plus hours a week I log in at the office (unless you count a fat ass, in which case, boy, do I have something to show for it!). I don’t own a house, and the one I rent is not decorated (who has money for home decor?) and it’s a little run down. My car belongs to the bank. I’m literally afraid to open my chequing account right now because I dread to see how little money I have in there (I’ve been avoiding paying my bills for a week because I can’t bring myself to look).
How’s that for a pity party, guys? Are you enjoying wallowing in my miserable mediocrity as much as I am? No? You’ve heard me say all this before and you’re bored with it? Siiiigh. Me, too.
Okay. Truth be told, I’m not really sure how to get out of this hole I’ve dug for myself BUT I WANT TO SO BAD (even though it is pretty comfortable down here). I just googled bucket lists, thinking it may give me some ideas to spice up my life, and reading through other people’s goals and aspirations was not helpful at all (except now I kind of want to go to Mexico for the Day of the Dead).
Here’s my immediate “to do” list to get me started until I can think of some more exciting goals:
Get my driver’s licence – test booked for the end of the month!
Sign up for French (FSL) classes – classes begin in October
Last night, before I went to sleep, I told myself I was going to spring from my bed at 5am, maybe take a nice stroll through my neighbourhood, and eat a sensible breakfast. Instead, I did what I do every morning – I woke up late, surfed the internet (my morning circuit of email, Facebook and Instagram), decided I hadn’t wasted ENOUGH time and added up how much money I’ve spent on McDonald’s this month (over $140!), and left for work with my hair still wet from my shower, nary a breakfast snack in sight. Why do I do this to myself?! Whyyyyyyyyyyy!
This is my life, guys – just non-stop, self-imposed horse shit. Is there a way to lock me out of the Internet for, like, 23 hours a day? Maybe shut down my bank account when I’m tired and hungry to prevent last minute trips to fast food restaurants? Can I hire somebody to shove me into and out of bed at a reasonable hour? Will someone come to my house and move my limbs around in a way that simulates exercise?! Clearly I don’t have the self-control to do this stuff myself. Adult-ing (which, by the way, was my birthday resolution) is hard, and I am failing miserably at it.
It’s been awhile. I’m still fat. My life is still boring. There! You’re all caught up.
Let’s talk about my current favourite songs while I munch on this bag of goldfish crackers, because my life has gone to shit and food and music are the only things I’m passionate about today.
Close to You – Neon Trees
Much like Tyler Glenn’s look, Neon Trees is either a hit (punked out leather) or a miss (mod short pants) for me. Most of their songs barely register on my “meh” meter, but then I’ll listen to their other stuff on repeat. All.day.long. I haven’t loved a song as much as I love Close to You in ages. It gives me the feels.
My Neck, My Back – Elle King
I love me a good cover, and this one blows (weak pun intended) the original out of the water for me. It’s the perfect amount of raunchiness and tongue in cheek sass, both in lyric and delivery. It cra-a-acks me up.
History – 1 Direction
I went from hating all 1D songs to randomly hearing History one day, and going “this song is AWESOME!” I’m pretty sure this is a one-off, and I will continue to dislike the rest of 1 Direction’s discography, but it’s possible that after watching enough Harry/Louis fangirl videos to nauseate even the most fervent of Larries, my metamorphosis into a 13 year old girl is complete.
Downtown – Macklemore
Just because it’s a fun song.
Side note: why do I find this little ginger so sexy? He reminds me a tiny bit of my teen ‘stache (if my teen ‘stache was red and a little greasy). He’s barely my type, but I’d smash that so hard. [insert my neck, my back joke here]
[This Specific Live Version of] Valerie – Amy Winehouse
I don’t know what it is about this performance, but I have watched it probably a thousand times. I like her hands and the way she hikes up her sleeves, in a way that isn’t entirely heterosexual. When Amy was on, she was ON. Without exception, I like her stripped down performances better than the bells and whistles album cuts.
One of my favourite book series on earth, Chemistryverse by Kate Hellman, is available to read for free on the Internet, and I need to fangirl about it a little bit while I patiently* wait for Chapter 34 of Reckless to be released. I’ve read the whole series twice (more than that, actually, because sometimes I pick random chapters and read them when I’m bored). Now, because I’m ME and I can’t just love something without feeling like someone is going to shit all over me for it, there’s a part of me that wants to couch this post with disclaimers like “a lot of these chapters were written when the author was in high school” or “this series is basically a soap opera with teenage boys as protagonists,” but fuck it. Honestly, anything “negative” I have to say about Chemistryverse to appease my imaginary criticsis precisely why I LOVE it. It gets a solid 5 stars from me.
Chemistry, Reckless and their side stories and bonus material, tick all of my boxes. Does it appeal to my inner 13-year-old girl, who has been making basically all of my reading decisions for the past 2 years? Check. Teen angst? Check. Forbidden love? Check. Out-For-You trope? Check. Step siblings who bang each other? Check. Casual sex between friends? Check. Strippers? Check. Hot boarding school dudes? Check. Terrible but lovable characters? Check. Funny dialogue? Check. Sex scenes that don’t make my eyes roll out of my head or squick me out? Check.
PLUS, peppered throughout the text are multimedia files – songs, pictures, floor plans – that give the story (the drama! the angst!) another dimension.
Chemistryverse is basically my everything.
I like when you can tell an author is in love with her characters. It’s part of the reason I like Anita Blake so much – you can tell Laurell K. Hamilton is as much of a fangirl about Anita and her gang as her actual fans are (probably more so). Like, if LKH wasn’t already the author, she’d be writing fanfiction about Jean Claude and Asher. I kind of feel like Kate is the same way. In fact, I KNOW she’s the same way because her Tumblr, her wonderful, wonderful Tumblr, is full of little side stories and alternative universe fic. Kate celebrates the characters’ birthdays, posts pics and things that remind her of her of them, and creates playlists inspired by the boys. Plus, she fields fan questions all the time, and she is intensely engaged with her audience. Did I mention that the verse is longer than the Lord of the Rings trilogy? ‘Cause it is! All this from a 20-something girl who does this shit in her spare time while she works and goes to school.
I just can’t… I can’t tell you how much I love this series right now. I need someone else to read it with me, and to adore it as much as I do, so we can squee together and I can spread some of my feels around a bit.
*I say patiently because people who think they are owed free shit piss me off. Plus, the more she posts, the quicker this series will come to an end, and I don’t know what I’ll do with the gaping hole in my heart when that happens.
My only New Year’s resolution this year is to lose weight, and by lose weight, I mostly mean work out occasionally and eat like a normal, non-disordered person would eat. I don’t want to count calories or kill myself at the gym, but I do want to feel better inside and out. I want energy! I want vitality! I want a cute wardrobe (preferably the one sized 10 and under that has been collecting dust at the back of my closet for years)!
I know we are barely into the New Year, but I feel super motivated AND I already have some “healthy lifestyle” tips for you borne of exactly 3 days of personal experience. They are:
1. Get yourself a home gym
My favourite Christmas present this year was an elliptical machine that looks terrible and takes up way too much space in my living room. I love that fucking ugly thing and you know why? Because I don’t have to change out of my pjs to exercise on it, I don’t have to be coordinated to use it, no one can watch me wheeze, sweat or halfass my way through a workout, the wifi is free (insomuch as I’m paying for it anyway), and I don’t have to waste valuable time by venturing outside. Also, it doubles as a clothes rack.
I realize that a treadmill or elliptical machine is an investment, but sometimes you can find a super good deal on Kijiji or Craig’s list. Plus, few people use them for more than a couple of weeks, so you’re practically buying new anyway even when you’re shopping used. I know it also messes with the feng shui in your home, but meh. Worth it.
2. Save YouTube videos, Podcasts, etc. for your workout
Maybe this only works for me because I am a YouTube ADDICT, but I highly recommend making a “watch later” playlist and saving it for your treadmill workout. I try not to watch any YouTube videos at all unless I’m on the elliptical, and it.is.working. It gives me something to look forward to during my workouts and gives my brain something to focus on beyond how much time has elapsed and how badly exercising makes me want to die.
An added bonus is that I’m more mindful of the time I spend on YouTube and I’ve freed up a lot of time by not jumping on my subscription list every two seconds. Like, a ton of free time. I have been bored without it, actually, which brings me to….
3. Pin all the things!
Without YouTube to distract me from the banality of life, I have been relying on Pinterest to fill the void. It has proven to be a good source of inspiration. There are a plethora of fitness related tags you can filter through, or you can do what I do and obsessively pin all of the clothes you want to wear once you have reached your goal weight. It’s sick, but it will do for now until I find a healthier hobby to take up my time.
Anyway, there are all of my weight loss tips of 2015 so far. I probably should have titled this post “how to be as lazy as possible but still feel accomplished”; maybe I’ll save that for my next fitness blog.
Aside from some boring stuff no one wants to hear me talk about like online shopping and making fudge, here are some of the things I loved in December:
Everything How to Basic does is pretty amazing, but this video in particular captured the imagination of myself and my friends this Christmas season after an old university buddy posted it to Facebook with the caption “this is how my Wednesday feels at work”. I sent it to another friend who did a mini re-creation in his kitchen with a single egg and some mustard, and the legend continues.
Another Girl is really a roll-over from November when I fell in love with D.E.B.S., but it has gotten more than its fair share of play this month. In that same D.E.B.S. vein, Goldfrapp gets an honourable mention.
I think we’ve already established how much I hate Christmas, but just in case, I really really hate it. HOWEVER, listening to David Sedaris talk about the holidays is a breath of fresh air in a cesspool of boring, depressing Christmas crap.
Thank God Christmas is over, amiright?! Sayonara, worst holiday ever!
I was persuaded to watch National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation for the first time this year. The build-up for it was pretty intense; I was told it would be the exception to ALL of the Xmas movies I despise – that it was hilarious and would fill me with yuletide joy. Then again, I was told this by people who don’t know my true hatred of Christmas, and they had never witnessed one of my sentimental breakdowns before. I’m sure, by the end of the film, they thought watching it with my irrational ass was the biggest mistake they had made all year because I bawled through the whole thing. From the holiday stress, to the missing (and eventually – as predicted – non-existent) bonus cheque, to the mooching relatives, to the parents who told their kids Santa doesn’t exist because they couldn’t afford presents, to the dead cat, to the grandma with dementia, to the child who was sad about living in a van, to the fire, to the squirrel that destroyed their house — I could go on with depressing examples from this movie all day — I don’t know how ANYONE thinks this movie is a knee slapper. It pretty much flat out made me want to kill myself. All Griswald wanted was a good Christmas, and to do right by his family, and he got shafted at every turn. It was horrible.
So… I’ll never watch THAT again.
Other things on my “not going to do next Christmas” list include not setting foot in a store (I did really well and finished my Xmas shopping early this year, but I think I can improve even more next year by making 99% of my holiday purchases online), and not pretending I’m going to do anything fancy like the book advent calendar I was yammering on about last year. My 2015 Christmas theme will be “keep it (even more) simple.” I did pretty well sticking to my 2014 Christmas Plan – I think I can stick to this one, especially considering it requires me to do basically nothing.
EXCEPT! Except I do have one plan that requires a bit of work for next year, and it is this: I am going to take every toy out of the box, put batteries into it, and wrap it in a cloth sack weeks in advance of putting it under the tree. There is nothing more frustrating than wading through wrapping paper Christmas morning and tearing through a million layers of cardboard, zip ties, twist ties, strings, elastics and whateverthehellelse toy manufacturers use to glue their frigging merchandise to its original packaging, particularly when you’re half asleep and your kids are whining that their toys didn’t come with batteries. Plus, my neighbourhood has a one garbage can per week limit and a funky recycling schedule around the holidays (and this year, Xmas and New Years happened to fall on collection days). There is no way I will be rid of all of my Christmas refuse until well into February if we don’t make a trip to the dump. So eff that. I’m going to get that garbage out early next year, stock up on all necessary batteries, and do my best to eliminate any and all garbage between December 25th and January 1st. It will suck, but it will be worth it, unlike Christmas itself, which just kind of sucks until it’s over and we can ring in the New Year.
This People article has been making its rounds on my Facebook feed, and every time I see it, I cringe with second hand embarrassment for the “heroine” of the story. This is the general gist of the post: Girl (our “heroine”) gets bullied in school for being hairy and overweight. Years later, after waxing and losing a few pounds or whatever it was she did to conform to the beauty standards she was so harshly judged against as a child, her old tormenter asks her out and she accepts. Guy expects to meet her at a restaurant for their date, but she stands him up and instructs the waiter to give him a letter that basically says “You made me feel like crap when I was little. Here is your comeuppance.”
Now, I like a good revenge story just as much as the next person, but I don’t like this girl’s approach. I get it: she was hurt. She was bullied in a way that obviously continues to affect her into adulthood, and she wanted to feel empowered by standing up to her oppressor. I sympathize with her, and I applaud her for telling her bully how he negatively impacted her life. BUT, she made it reeeeeeeeeeeeeally hard for me to identify with her by pulling a mean spirited stunt like this. Not only did she humiliate this guy for something he did 8 years ago when he was kid, but she went to PeopleFreakingMagazine to crush him into the ground. To me, this isn’t some David and Goliath story about a defenceless person taking on her bully; it’s a cruel joke from someone who knows what it feels like to be humiliated.
The guy, by the way, responded like a decent human being and said he was sorry. The article ends with the girl saying she’s glad he apologized, but that the apology was “too little, too late”. It seems like she’s still holding onto that grudge and, because she can’t let go of the past, she can’t see that it’s herself now who needs to beg for forgiveness.
I could end this post with some cliches about forgiving your enemy, two wrongs not making a right, stooping to someone else’s level, or living well being the best revenge – and they are all amazing, perfectly fitting nuggets of wisdom – but instead I will say this: when you look meaner or crazier than your bullies, you have lost the fight, and for that reason alone, you should always take the high road*.
Morag and Me 